Saturday, February 27, 2010

Rampant Growth

As I have posted previously, I've decided to start a garden in the backyard. Yesterday I went out to Meijer and bought some herb seeds that I'll probably be starting indoors before spring shows up. I only bought a few, which I actually plan to put in pots, I'll save the actual garden for veggies and maybe fruits.

Lemon Basil (Ocimum citriodorum): This is apparently a hybrid between regular Basil and African Basil. I hope to make some yummy pesto with this, so we'll see how it does. I just have to remember to deadhead it (pick off the flowers before they develop) otherwise the plant will literally go to seed.

True Lavender (Lavandula angustifolia): This should come in handy for giving aromatic qualities to food as well as supplementing the jar of Herbes de Provence I got at Christmas. Also, they are pretty.

Longstanding Cilantro (Coriandrum sativum): I love cilantro and coriander so I definatley wanted this in the garden. While I tend to cook for a rather unappreciative audience of this fine, aromatic herb I could care less, it's MAH GARDEN!.

Mint? (Mentha sachalinensis): The scientific name is a guess actually as the package of seeds does not give the actual name. So on "Mint" I've had to guess, but the common name of Mentha sachalinensis is Garden Mint, and there was no picture. However, there is a picture on the package, as much help as that is.

That seems it so far, but I want to plant some roses too. My grandfather has some of the prettiest ones, especially the Double-Delights which I've always adored. Learning to plant and raise those would be something I'd like to do as well. We'll see. I hope Spring gets here soon, I'm so sick of this snowy weather.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Terramorphic Expanse

So this is my dialogue with my Fat. I think putting it here will make some of my reasons public, and maybe make me a little vulnerable. It won't give me an excuse to hide anymore

Me: Hello fat, I see you are still here

Fat: I'm always here, even when you close your eyes.

Me: That's the problem, I don't want you to be there.

Fat: Then why haven't you put any real effort into getting rid of me. Maybe you need me.

Me: Why would I need you, you make me look and feel awful.

Fat: You need me because then you wouldn't have any excuse to feel sorry for yourself and make excuses. You need someone to blame for all your failings.

Me: Well, I didn't drop out of school because I was fat, did I?

Fat: You sure? You always kept to yourself, in your room. You never went out because you were so self-conscious. You played video games all day, and pretended to be a superhero with amazing muscles. You would day dream what it would be like to actually have visible pectoral muscles, abs, and a butt that can crack walnuts. Yet you never did anything about it.

Me: Maybe you're right, but you were there constantly reminding me how pathetic I was.

Fat: No, *you* were always telling yourself how pathetic you were. You could have gone to the gym and taken care of me a long time ago. Hell, you even had a friend try to coach and motivate you to jog with him. Yet you gave up because it got hard. At the first sign of difficulty you give up.

Me: I haven't always given up, I'm trying to improve now aren't I?

Fat: For now, but in another week you'll just be sitting on your ass with your hand buried in a bag of chips saying to yourself "I should get to the gym". But you won't because you think you should start on the First of the Month or something like that.

Me: I can't help it if I like fresh starts. Although, I feel I've tried to make many starts without actually following through to the ending.

Fat: And you blame it all on me?

Me: Well, you certainly don't help you know?

Fat: So what will you do about it? You even have an open bag of Quaker Oats Rice Snacks on your desk right now. You ate after 10 o'clock the other night. In fact you are procrastinating about going to the gym right now. You went yesterday and the day before, what about today? What about tomorrow for that matter or next week?

Me: I guess I'm just hesitant.

Fat: What are you hesitant about?

Me: I'm hesitant that if I do get rid of you, I won't look as good as I think I should. I won't be happy and get depressed and find you all over again.

Fat: You shouldn't be scared of that, that's stupid to say. As far as looking as good as you think, perhaps you should just be happy with being healthy and actually fitting into those clothes you've always wanted.

Me: I guess you're right.

Fat: I'm part of you Scott, I'll always be at the back of your mind. You'll never lose me. I'm probably the only real friend you've had over the years. I've protected you from love and the hurt that comes with it, I've protected you from becoming egotistical and prickish.

Me: Yes, I may never really get rid of you. I'll always remember you even if I do achieve my goals. But I won't let you back if I can help it. I am going to the gym tonight after work. I want to see how well I feel when I do. I'm sick of making excuses like "Well, I'll just feel tired if I do" before I even try.

Fat: That's the spirit tubby, do this for you. Hell, you may even be able to go out to a public swimming pool next summer. Get a tan on the pasty skin of yours.

Me: There is no need to be mean Fat.

Fat: I'm not mean, I'm just treating you like you treat yourself.

Me: You're right, we need to stop that mindset.

Fat: Yes we do. It will be hard to do, you've thought that way ever since we can both remember. Good luck fatso. Now I'm going to go back to making you think of cheesecake and potato chips.

Me: You may make me think of them Fat, but I'm the one who would have to eat them. I'm not going to let you control me anymore.

Fat: Hah! We'll see, we'll see.


Friday, February 19, 2010

Trusty Machete

Ever since I can remember, I've played video games, from Super Mario World to Left 4 Dead. They have been a friend and foe throughout my gaming career. I've come to realize that I have an addictive personality, and have been trying to cut back.

My favorite game that I've ever played is City of Heroes. The community alone and the friends I made were worth the 15 dollars a month. It allowed me to be creative and to be a hero that I'd always imagined being, even more so that Dungeons and Dragons allowed me to do. I got to see my hero fly around, wear a cape, and smack baddies with energy rays, vine tendrils, fists, or a scream. Better yet I was able to do it with other people who were fun, funny and helpful.

However, it was my obsession with City of Heroes that caused my failure at college. I have no ill will towards Crypic/Paragon Studios for making a great game, none. I should have quit while I was ahead. I spent hours a day, avoided class, classmates, and experiences. This was all five years ago. Yet after five years, finally do I admit this on an open forum. After a year or so of CoH, I went on to World of Warcraft, and then back to CoH, then to WoW, and then back to CoH. A vicious circle for me. Both fun games, who deserve no blame towards people changing their lives over. People change their own lives.

I have slowly begun to regulate my game playing. I haven't been subscribed to City of Heroes for months. They're having a new expansion coming out, and yes I'll support them, buy it and reup for another month to play and see Paragon Studios work. I praise them. I'll see my friends in game again, and I'll have fun. However, I know I have alot of work to do. So, before I even think of subscribing again, I am going to make sure I fullfill those goals that I set forth a few days ago.

Steam, a gaming program, allows you to track the amount of time you play games through it. The past two weeks I've played 13 hours of Left 4 Dead 2, so roughly under an hour a day on average, which isn't too bad I don't think. It is, in my mind, a big cut back from what I used to do (three or four a day). Small steps.... small, teensy steps.

Now then, to cut the M:tG problem, after which this blog takes its theme...

Also hungry ::sigh::

Thursday, February 18, 2010


So I purchased a book a week ago called "Why Weight?: A Guide to Ending Compulsive Eating" by Geneen Roth. I've read through the first chapter and done almost all of the excersizes that are listed. The last one, however, requires us to have a discussoin with our Fat, a dialogue if you will.

It might be productive, or it may be lame. Either way I'll post it on here for all two of you to read and enjoy.

Also, Robot Chicken is marvelous.

Also, also took some anti-acids and my cravings for food are diminished this late in the night.


Let's face it, I've been failing at the endeavours I've outlined a few weeks ago. I always seem to slide back into the "status quo" of apathy. Tonight on my way back from gaming with friends, I realized I had just spent almost twenty dollars on cards I hardly use, fourteen dollars on junk food I didn't need, and I didn't go to the gym today.

As a matter of fact, I've not been to the gym in two weeks. I realise and I know that I brought this on myself. In the last four days I've binged myself on two bags of Doritos, after not having any for the last three months, a box of Swiss Rolls in two sittings, a box of Nutty Bars while I was eating the Swiss Rolls, three of the half-sized bag of Kettle Chips.

I had to verbally say "No" to myself all the way home, this was in reaction to me thinking about eating the left over junkfood (deep fried chinese take-out) that was in the back seat. Even now I'm thinking about saying "I'll stop eating after 10 tomorrow" which I've said everyday since February 1st. I hate the fact that I've gotten into these habits.

I have a long bagging shift tomorrow at work, so I wont' be going to the gym then. However, I am off on Friday and Saturday so I have no excuse then. I like going to the gym, but the thing I think that gets me to not go is the fact that I have to get a "gym outfit" together and make sure it's clean. The dumbest excuse right? I just wish I had a way that I could be reported on and be accountable to someone other than myself.

I mean, I have like four pairs of gym shorts and a few shirts I can wear. However, alot of them are short, which means if I bend over, skin is exposed in places I don't want people to see. Again dumb excuse. I have ONE pair of jeans that I wear. Just one that I can fit into. Whenever I wear jeans it's these, and they get washed alot. They're broken in a comfortable. I have five other pairs of jeans sitting in my dresser that I can't fit into. They are currently stacked on top of each other going from biggest to smallest. I set a dusty, cobb webbed goal of hopefully fitting into the other pairs one day. I have maybe four shirts that I can fit into, and they are showing age and dingyness. I have a whole closet filled with clothing I can't fit into. Some of my clothes I have NEVER been able to fit into because I bought them in the hopes to lose weight.

I feel pathetic. I have so many goals to meet, and I have made progress on nothing.

Scratch that, I haven't eaten anything after 10. If I can go for a whole week with out doing this, then I won't get automatic hunger pangs. My body is so used to digesting at this late hour, I know it willl go away when I stop.

Goals by June
1) Plant a Garden: Just a few herbs to start with maybe, get a begginer's guide or something.

2) Learn a little about playing the Piano: My grandmother bought me a piano back in high school I never learned to play it before she died, one of my biggest regrets. And even have starting books too, shame on me.

3) Take up French again: I used to do alright in French, and I'd like to polish it up a bit more.

4) Adjust eating habits for the better: No eating after 10, and more fruits and veggies, nothing that comes in a bag who's name ends in "Ritos"

5) Reach size 44 waist: When I start going to the gym more, and adjust my eating habbits as outlined above, I'm sure this goal will fall in place.

Let the game's begin...

Monday, February 8, 2010


So far the endeavor has not been as fruitful as it could be. Also I hear there will be a large amount of snow tomorrow or Wednesday. Alright, we must dedicate ourselves!

I must get myself in motion!

Monday, February 1, 2010

First Turn, Mana Screwed

Well, I've been subscribed here to for well over a month; and this is my first entry. While, I did have a LiveJournal years ago, I hardly ever posted in that either. I certianly hope this endeavour is much more productive.

Speaking of productivity, I've not been very active socially, economicaly, physically or even mentally. This year, 2010, I hope to fix everything about that previous statement. It may take a while, and the steps will not be very big at first. I'll get frustrated, depressed, and disappointed I'm sure, but I need to focus on the successes.

A friend of mine on here has a blog ("Are There Any More Cookies", I'm sure you can find it somewhere to the left. He is a very amusing person, and his take on life and his observations have always cracked a smile. Anyway, more to the point, he takes pictures and often posts them in his entries. I would like to take a lief from his book and do the same, probably not with his frequency however.

I'm in the process of losing weight and getting into a better shape other than "Pear". We'll see how this goes. At the end of the posts, I'll just keep a brief virtual record of this process as well. Also any books I've finished or small projects I've completed. Let the games begin!

Weight: 324lbs Goal: 225lbs
Stomach: 54" Goal: To See Abs
Waist: 49.5" Goal: 36"
Hips: 55" Goal: Not Ghetto-Booty (bubble is fine)
Books Read: "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" Bill Bryson