Terramorphic Expanse

So this is my dialogue with my Fat. I think putting it here will make some of my reasons public, and maybe make me a little vulnerable. It won't give me an excuse to hide anymore


Me: Hello fat, I see you are still here

Fat: I'm always here, even when you close your eyes.

Me: That's the problem, I don't want you to be there.

Fat: Then why haven't you put any real effort into getting rid of me. Maybe you need me.

Me: Why would I need you, you make me look and feel awful.

Fat: You need me because then you wouldn't have any excuse to feel sorry for yourself and make excuses. You need someone to blame for all your failings.

Me: Well, I didn't drop out of school because I was fat, did I?

Fat: You sure? You always kept to yourself, in your room. You never went out because you were so self-conscious. You played video games all day, and pretended to be a superhero with amazing muscles. You would day dream what it would be like to actually have visible pectoral muscles, abs, and a butt that can crack walnuts. Yet you never did anything about it.

Me: Maybe you're right, but you were there constantly reminding me how pathetic I was.

Fat: No, *you* were always telling yourself how pathetic you were. You could have gone to the gym and taken care of me a long time ago. Hell, you even had a friend try to coach and motivate you to jog with him. Yet you gave up because it got hard. At the first sign of difficulty you give up.

Me: I haven't always given up, I'm trying to improve now aren't I?

Fat: For now, but in another week you'll just be sitting on your ass with your hand buried in a bag of chips saying to yourself "I should get to the gym". But you won't because you think you should start on the First of the Month or something like that.

Me: I can't help it if I like fresh starts. Although, I feel I've tried to make many starts without actually following through to the ending.

Fat: And you blame it all on me?

Me: Well, you certainly don't help you know?

Fat: So what will you do about it? You even have an open bag of Quaker Oats Rice Snacks on your desk right now. You ate after 10 o'clock the other night. In fact you are procrastinating about going to the gym right now. You went yesterday and the day before, what about today? What about tomorrow for that matter or next week?

Me: I guess I'm just hesitant.

Fat: What are you hesitant about?

Me: I'm hesitant that if I do get rid of you, I won't look as good as I think I should. I won't be happy and get depressed and find you all over again.

Fat: You shouldn't be scared of that, that's stupid to say. As far as looking as good as you think, perhaps you should just be happy with being healthy and actually fitting into those clothes you've always wanted.

Me: I guess you're right.

Fat: I'm part of you Scott, I'll always be at the back of your mind. You'll never lose me. I'm probably the only real friend you've had over the years. I've protected you from love and the hurt that comes with it, I've protected you from becoming egotistical and prickish.

Me: Yes, I may never really get rid of you. I'll always remember you even if I do achieve my goals. But I won't let you back if I can help it. I am going to the gym tonight after work. I want to see how well I feel when I do. I'm sick of making excuses like "Well, I'll just feel tired if I do" before I even try.

Fat: That's the spirit tubby, do this for you. Hell, you may even be able to go out to a public swimming pool next summer. Get a tan on the pasty skin of yours.

Me: There is no need to be mean Fat.

Fat: I'm not mean, I'm just treating you like you treat yourself.

Me: You're right, we need to stop that mindset.

Fat: Yes we do. It will be hard to do, you've thought that way ever since we can both remember. Good luck fatso. Now I'm going to go back to making you think of cheesecake and potato chips.

Me: You may make me think of them Fat, but I'm the one who would have to eat them. I'm not going to let you control me anymore.

Fat: Hah! We'll see, we'll see.

Fin