Monday, November 8, 2010

Forethought Amulet

In the past few days I've had to come to a series of decisions. I just need to buckle down and take control of my life. I've been making bad decision after bad decision, with no heed to my own future. Today that ends, it has to. It has to end or I will just be doomed to repeat these stupid mistakes and make nothing of myself.

I have two people in my life I care for deeply, other than my family. Although I am not sure what to do just yet about them, they both mean a great deal to me. Let's call one C and the other L.

C, I've known for over three years now. We met online, of course, where most people tend to meet their friends these days. We got to know each other, C would often use my shoulder to help cope with love, loss, and his personal struggles. I would do the same for him, but not as much. I'm a private person for the most part really. Hell, it was hard for me even being honest to a councilor I was seeing a few years ago.

C and I don't have terribly much in common, but I enjoy hearing C talk about his hobbies and what he likes. We share interests and we appreciate what differences we have. It's nice. We are both romantic, and while I am an openly gay man. C is still trying to find himself and who he is.

Anyway, over the years I've been there for C when his relationships would turn or his job sucked that day. Through all of this, our relationship grew. I've come to care about him a lot. Strangely I get jealous when I hear he has been talking with other gay men or his involvement with potential girlfriends. It's irrational for me to feel this way; but I still get that small knot of irritation that forms in my stomach when I hear it. These are probably just my latent fears of abandonment manifesting as jealousy. I don't want to lose contact with him, even if he finds himself a nice person to settle down with.

Needless to say, C and I are very close. Our relationship is... a complicated friendship.

Then there is L. I've known L for close to six months now. L is currently unavailable. He also lives some distance away, but it's feasible should I wish to visit. Both of us are going to school. He is going for an architecture degree and I am going for Therapeutic Massage. His degree will take sometime and with me going to school only part time for now, it will be a while for me as well. L and I met online through a friend and we began to talk.

We discovered we had a great deal in common. We like the same hobbies, we are both romantic. He likes the fact that I am taller than him, and I love his large, Romanesque nose. As I have met with him on quite a few occasions when he can come up here, I can say that we both share the same bedroom preferences. He is a smart, funny, adorable human. My feelings for him have been growing daily since we first kissed. Sadly, his schedule and living circumstances don't permit him to visit much, but we talk a great deal online and through texting. I don't believe he is out to his family, which is a pity, but understandable. Though, I have no reason to doubt that my parents would adore him completely.

L and I are growing very close. However, I am not sure how this will/should affect my feelings for C.

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