Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Soul's Majesty

As I've posted before, I admit to being someone who procrastinates. A lot. However, I have yet to really delve into the reason about why I do. My only thought is that I don't wish to fail at whatever I attempt. This is foolish because I know I am smart, clever, and resourceful. I know I can achieve the goals I set forth because I can.

Today I had a serious session at the gym. I didn't wimp out on the elliptical machine, although I had to do my weight exercises from memory as I didn't have my sheet with me. However, I did full sets and reps and I felt very good. I like the feeling that the gym gives me. I'm tired, sweaty, but I feel accomplished. I know I can continue, I just need to make sure I consistently go.

The consistency of my inconsistency has been a very large blemish on my overall character. Thankfully, I've come to accept that that was the past me and I'm working to resolve it. Hell, I'm 26 years old and still living at home working at a job that quite frankly isn't going anywhere. I need to get my life in order.

This "new beginning" is very much similar to the steps a player takes during his turn in the game Magic: The Gathering, (a game I used to help name this blog).

Step 1: Untap - In this the player resets all of his cards into a "Ready" phase. I feel that slowly I am untapping myself and my potential. I'm getting prepared for the many decisions I am going to be faced with as I grow up out of this extended adolescence.

Step 2: Upkeep - During this phase of the player takes care of small abilities of spells, creatures and artifacts (gaining life, making tokens, etc). For me this represents solving current issues with finances, weight and fitness, and overall career aspects.

Step 3: Draw - The player then draws a card from his deck and puts it into his hand. I am slowly drawing conclusions and making plans about what I want to do with myself. Setting forth goals and hopefully meeting them.

There are other steps (pre-combat main phase, combat phase, post-combat main phase, end step) but I just wanted to draw some metaphor from these first few basics.

My hand is spread out in front of me, my future sitting there like a deck of cards. I know I may get mana screwed, I may even have to discard previous assumptions about what I wanted; but I will finish this game. I will, and I'll do my best.

Come Jokulhaups or Wrath of God.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Gathering Specimens

Once again, I've decided to try venturing into the world of fitness and health. This time, however, I met with a very nice personal trainer who helped to set me up with a routine to start with.

Over the last four or so years I've had memberships to three different gym facilities. Those memberships have been one after the other; and there really hasn't been a month that goes by without my checking account seeing a payment to the gym I was and am a member of. My experiences with each have been vastly different. Hopefully this recent venture back will be much better than my last. The last four years, I've maybe gone to the gym a total of two months combined.

In the spring of 2006, almost a year after coming home from Indiana University, I realized I had gained almost 75lbs. I decided to make a commitment and get a gym membership. So, I went to American Health Fitness. With two locations, one had a pool and a steam room and the other just had a steam room, I figured I would be able to go regularly. I even invested in a personal trainer.

I don't remember his name, he was nice, and kind of short. About two weeks into our meetings, however, he left for a job in Indianapolis. I had been abandoned, which caused me to feel fat and depressed. So I stopped going. A few months later, I got the gumption to return to the regime and inquired if there was another trainer available to help me. Indeed there was.

This time it was a very hunky firefighter who did personal training as a second job. He was very macho, muscular, blonde and over all sexy. Which is intimidating and (me being gay) made me tantalized and a little uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in the sense that, if my eyes lingered too long he might realize he was training a gay and maybe beat me up. Irrational; yes. So, again I stopped going.

Well, it was a year after I signed up to the gym and I decided not to renew. Instead a new gym was opening up in my hometown (New Haven, IN). So, I signed up there. It was a small, locally owned affair with one side all cardio and the other all free weights and weight machines. The hours, were bothersome, especially weekends (Sundays they were only open for 4 or 5 hours). I tried to go regularly, but seeing people I knew was a little off-putting. So I stopped, but continued to pay. Another year went by and once again I decided not to renew my contract.

Then I got a job that promised to go places (which didn't and eventually led me to my current position). Next to the office building there was a gym "Anytime Fitness"; perhaps you've heard of it. They're all across the country and the great thing is, you can go anytime. This as you can imagine spreads out the gym population around the whole clock. So, at anytime you could go and there may only be a handful of people around.

I got a trainer to show me around and to put together a routine for me. The initial gentleman was very uninterested in talking and only showed me a routine. He was a scrawny thing and I barely remember him. But for a while I was doing his routine. It seemed to go well. Then again something caused me to stop going.

Yesterday they had a special "30 minutes for $10" with a personal trainer. My trainer's name was P. A fit, shorter gentleman mid to late 30's. Quite handsome and he actually seemed quite earnest while he talked with me. I had met him a few weeks prior when I decided to go and switch locations. One thing that puzzled me though, he mentioned that a client of his knew me from when I used to work at The Olive Garden. I nodded it off but then I wondered how he found that out. I had only met him once before and that was with no one I knew around.

I think my big problem is that I expect goals to happen right away. I've come to accept that this will never be the case. So, after many months of not going. I'm putting my foot down. As I have designs on a relationship in the future and not succumbing to the obese tendancies that my genes can dictate; I need to lose this weight.

Not to mention I have a whole closet full of clothes I would like to wear again. . .

I just need to keep my motivation. Maybe if I go when P is working it might be easier. Seeing a friendly, honest person there (who isn't just after my money for training sessions) would be helpful.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Forethought Amulet

In the past few days I've had to come to a series of decisions. I just need to buckle down and take control of my life. I've been making bad decision after bad decision, with no heed to my own future. Today that ends, it has to. It has to end or I will just be doomed to repeat these stupid mistakes and make nothing of myself.

I have two people in my life I care for deeply, other than my family. Although I am not sure what to do just yet about them, they both mean a great deal to me. Let's call one C and the other L.

C, I've known for over three years now. We met online, of course, where most people tend to meet their friends these days. We got to know each other, C would often use my shoulder to help cope with love, loss, and his personal struggles. I would do the same for him, but not as much. I'm a private person for the most part really. Hell, it was hard for me even being honest to a councilor I was seeing a few years ago.

C and I don't have terribly much in common, but I enjoy hearing C talk about his hobbies and what he likes. We share interests and we appreciate what differences we have. It's nice. We are both romantic, and while I am an openly gay man. C is still trying to find himself and who he is.

Anyway, over the years I've been there for C when his relationships would turn or his job sucked that day. Through all of this, our relationship grew. I've come to care about him a lot. Strangely I get jealous when I hear he has been talking with other gay men or his involvement with potential girlfriends. It's irrational for me to feel this way; but I still get that small knot of irritation that forms in my stomach when I hear it. These are probably just my latent fears of abandonment manifesting as jealousy. I don't want to lose contact with him, even if he finds himself a nice person to settle down with.

Needless to say, C and I are very close. Our relationship is... a complicated friendship.

Then there is L. I've known L for close to six months now. L is currently unavailable. He also lives some distance away, but it's feasible should I wish to visit. Both of us are going to school. He is going for an architecture degree and I am going for Therapeutic Massage. His degree will take sometime and with me going to school only part time for now, it will be a while for me as well. L and I met online through a friend and we began to talk.

We discovered we had a great deal in common. We like the same hobbies, we are both romantic. He likes the fact that I am taller than him, and I love his large, Romanesque nose. As I have met with him on quite a few occasions when he can come up here, I can say that we both share the same bedroom preferences. He is a smart, funny, adorable human. My feelings for him have been growing daily since we first kissed. Sadly, his schedule and living circumstances don't permit him to visit much, but we talk a great deal online and through texting. I don't believe he is out to his family, which is a pity, but understandable. Though, I have no reason to doubt that my parents would adore him completely.

L and I are growing very close. However, I am not sure how this will/should affect my feelings for C.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Sword of Mind and Body

Yet again, another month has come and gone with only one update. So, in lieu of such sparse information, I will share some random things:

1) I admit I have a mild addiction to Magic: the Gathering cards. I have been trying to cut back however from purchasing them, but it's such a deal to get three packs for $10.70. Still, want to start doing some trading in of cards I don't think I'll ever use for some cards I *may* use; that is if I can ever make the decks I intend to.

2) Over the weekend I played my very first game of "Paranoia XP". For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Paranoia system and universe, it is as if "2001: A Space Odyssey" meets "Tom & Jerry": wacky, violent, and just plain fun.

You basically play a lowly peon who was chosen by the Great and Glorious Friend Computer, to rout out and destroy commie, mutant traitors; but you, yourself, are a commie, mutant traitor. You are also given teammates (other players) who are out to destroy commie, mutant traitors as well (you must kill them before they find out). It was a lot of fun. I was one of the only people who made it to the next security clearance (level), without dying too many times or being accused of treason. Also, in this game you have six clones in case your current character's body meets undue harm, all but two of us went through their "six-pack" of clones.

That's it for now. Tonight is board/card game night at Game Quest (a gaming store here). I think I'll bring Illuminati. Illuminati is a card game where you are one of the great Illuminati that may control the world. As the game progresses your power and influence over organizations grow and you attack and may destroy other Illuminati who are fighting against you. It's fun, but I've never been able to play with other people who as excited to play it as I am. Oh well, hopefully tonight that will change.